Coming Home

By Sue

We all have misconceptions about parenting, being a mom, what to expect. And as you continue your journey, you gain perspective and skills to deal with the craziness. So it is with this experience behind me that I can write this post. We just don’t talk about the reality of coming home.

After I delivered my daughter PJ, I was rushed to the OR to remove the placenta (stubborn thing). My recovery was relatively quick and after 2 nights in the hospital, I was ready to come home. Did I mention that I let PJ sleep in the nursery so I could recover and get some rest? That may have been why I (thought I) was ready to come home.

After getting discharged, figuring out how to put PJ in clothes, strapping her into the car seat, taking the elevator to the lobby, retrieving the car, snapping the seat in the base, we were ready. I got into the back seat and cried. Just lost it as we pulled out of the hospital driveway. John navigated the streets of Manhattan expertly. We crossed the 59th Street Bridge, found a decent parking (a major feat in NYC) and proceeded to climb the 3 flights of stairs. (They were tricky at 40 weeks pregnant, they were tricky that day, and they are tricky now with a 20+ pound toddler.)

I remember wanting to be comfortable and changing into my scrubs. I remember being in pain. And I remember feeling like I needed to be ready for my parents. My dad, who hates hospitals, didn’t want to visit me there. Instead, he and my mom planned to meet us at our apartment. PJ was in her crib (where else do you put the little burrito?). 

I was lying on top of the covers when they arrived. I am not sure that they asked me how I was. They just wanted to fawn over PJ. All I wanted to do was talk about the birth.

Lesson 1 - Some people are not comfortable talking about birth 24/7. My parents, of I should say my dad, is one of these people. In hindsight, could I have limited the details? Most definitely. I will leave it at that.

Since breastfeeding was still new to us (PJ had bottles of formula for her first 16 hours of her life) I am pretty sure I just whipped out a boob.

Lesson 2 - Some people are uncomfortable with whipping out a boob.

My thoughts on this are simple. It’s going to happen. Look away if you’re uncomfortable. But also, moms, do what feels right. There are moments when you need to be modest (maybe on occasion, maybe all the time if that’s your preference) but it’s never something to be ashamed of or embarrassed by. YOU ARE FEEDING A BABY!

Any way, back to the boobs. (I will mention here that I miss those boobs. How is it possible that they are smaller now than before I was pregnant…) Moms will attest to the fact that it can be painful when you start breastfeeding, until you get the hang of it. And the nipples get chapped. So you use some of that Lansinoh cream that they give you in the hospital.

WARNING - Lansinoh stains.

I didn’t read the warning right away and ruined a perfectly fine top in the process. Also, I have my first photos with Nana, Pop Pop, John, PJ and me with rings on my shirt where my nipples are. Awesome. (Can you hear the sarcasm?)

We all were hungry and my parents had brought a pre-made lasagna. Yay! However, they didn’t put it in the oven. We had to do that. And this is when I grew up… This was the moment for me when I knew that no one was going to save me. And if I wanted and needed help, I had to ask for it. (Demand, might be the more appropriate word.)

Lesson 3 - if people want to come and see the baby (and you), they have to work for it. Bring or make dinner, do the dishes, hold the baby so mom can rest or shower or pee, run out to the drugstore and pick up everything that is needed. It seems obvious now, but it’s not always in the moment.

Over the course of the next few days and weeks, we had many visitors. I enjoyed having the company and socializing. It helped me feel human, normal, and like my old self. And then the night came…

I mentioned that PJ went to the nursery on the first night and she was formula fed to allow me to heal. There was concern that I might not be able to breastfeed for several weeks after the surgery. The second night, they brought her to me at regular intervals. Even then she would sleep for hours (more on that in another post one day). So the first night home from the hospital, John and I thought we would settle down for a deep sleep.

Cut to us delirious from the constant crying and lack of sleep.

John has since been quoted numerous times saying how he understands why sleep deprivation is used as a torture technique. You can’t function. You can’t remember anything - like where the baby is.

One night, I woke scared as hell that PJ was under our blankets, having fallen asleep while nursing. IT WAS A PILLOW! In that moment, I thought we were co-sleeping by accident. John had to calm me down, assuring me that she was sleeping peacefully (at the moment) in her Rock 'n Play. In that moment though, I really thought that pillow was her! (I now know that I cannot co-sleep for fear of rolling over the baby, even if the baby is large enough to kick me in the neck. I want to co-sleep, but I just don’t rest well with her in the bed...)

Sleep deprivation will also make you crazy and angry and frustrated by everything. You may say things you don’t mean. If you’re a mom, you may (rightfully) blame the hormones. If you’re a dad or partner, you can only blame the lack of sleep.

One night, as I was attempting (unsuccessfully) to figure out how to work the breast pump, John took PJ to the bedroom to change her diaper and calm her. She was wailing. John snapped. I heard him yell, “WHAT DO YOU WANT?!” I calmly called to him, “Bring her to me.” I could hear the pain in his voice, “I didn’t mean it.” “I know. Just bring her to me please.” He was so upset at himself. I knew he didn’t mean it. I knew he was tired and frustrated and adjusting. I gave him the option to sleep.

Lesson 4 - Take care of each other as well as the baby. It’s so hard and you need rest to be a good parent.We also wear by Happiest Baby on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp. It’s a book that was given to us and it’s a book we recommend to all of our expecting friends. It saved us in those first moments of becoming parents.

The next day, after visiting the pediatrician, and PJ had lost some weight, the doctor instructed us to give her formula. I didn’t know how. I didn’t give her bottles in the hospital. I didn’t know if we even had bottles. Thank God for my sister. She came to visit and helped me learn. I’ll never forget watching her and thinking, “She’s going to be a great mom...She’s done all this babysitting to prepare her...She knows this stuff…I don’t…”

Lesson 5 - Learn as you go. From everyone who crosses your path. Take it and use it.

Lesson 6 - There are worse things than feeding your baby some formula.

While we figured out breastfeeding, and didn’t really use formula on a regular basis until 4 or 5 months later, I now know that there is no shame in how you feed your baby. We all have our ideas of what we want, but we also have to do what is best for our families. I had some serious issues with supplementing, for no good reason, and once I got over it, life for all of us, got better.

There are so many moments that I remember from those first hours, days, weeks at home. Some I hope to never forget - like the pimple on her ear or how she would poop while eating. How at 2 weeks we took a ferry to South Street Seaport to see a dance performance. Or how at about a month we took her to hear the New York Philharmonic in Cunningham Park for her first orchestral concert.

But there were plenty of crazy moments. There always are.