Identity

By Sara A.

It is impossible for me to be honest about maintaining my identity without talking about why I choose to work. For me, the two are unequivocally connected. Working is the only thing that keeps me from losing myself completely to motherhood.

I had no idea what to expect from motherhood when Roo, my oldest, was born. I had friends who already had children and was given all the standard advise and heard all the lines that you tell new parents to be. Sleep while you can, sleep when that baby sleeps, learn to let things go around the house, let others help you, blah blah blah. But no one talked to me about how being a new mom would feel. No one told me about the love I would feel for this new little person, which is the purest and most intense thing I've ever experience. I didn't understand just how much heart would expand....to the point of busting...to the point that I would never be the same again. Roo instantly became my world. I devoted myself to him.

But devotion carries a heavy burden. Especially when you become devoted to a person who can do nothing, literally NOTHING, for himself. I quickly became consumed with the tasks of new motherhood.....breastfeeding, changing diapers, snuggling, soothing, etc. It was wonderful and magical. It truly was. But it was also hard. SO hard. Harder than I ever could have imagined. Just like I felt unprepared for the love that suddenly consumed me, I also felt unprepared for the work that consumed me. I was tied to this little boy by both love and duty. And it felt like there was really very little left for me. Very little left of me. Roo was it.

I remember my maternity leave with him so clearly. Those 8 weeks were some of the most joyous and life altering weeks of my life. But they were also the loneliest and scariest 8 weeks of my life. I felt really isolated. I'm lucky because I had a lot of support. Both my parents and my husband's were around a lot and gave me respite when I needed it. And my husband has always been active and engaged. After he returned to work he would still come home every day at lunch to spend time with us. But the majority of the time it was just Roo and me. And if you've ever spent any extended period of time with a newborn you know that they are not much for conversation. While incredibly engaging because of his very nature, my new baby really wasn't very engaging at all. I quickly forgot how to have adult conversation and I had very little outlet for all the new feelings I was experiencing or for my thoughts. When my husband would come home, at lunch or in the evenings, I would either be too overwhelmed to have any real conversation or I'd greet him with a non-stop stream of consciousness style rant. I also stopped really getting dressed and hung out mostly in black stretch pants and fleece.

I tried joining various "mommy" groups but I didn't ever feel like I really fit in with any of the other women. I can't say why exactly, other than I felt that the simple fact that we both have a small child was a pretty meaningless foundation for friendship. I also felt out of sorts when I spent time with my old friends. I felt that I suddenly had very little to contribute. I really had no idea what was going on in the world and didn't feel like my anecdotes about breast milk poops smelling like butter or baby spit up were real winners in mixed company. I started to miss work and the identity that I had established there. An identity that had nothing to do with my child or family but was just about me. I also missed the challenge and critical thinking that my work requires.

When my maternity ended I returned to work with a mixture of excitement, trepidation and guilt. But as soon as I walked in the door the first day back I felt almost giddy. I had missed this. A lot. I was really happy to be back in the world of adults and slowly felt like I started to get back to myself and who I was, or more, who I had become. Because it was obvious that I had changed. No longer was I willing I stay in the office until 7:00 pm to finish a project. No longer did I bring work home, or even think about it at home really. Because I was still devoted. I still am devoted. To Roo, Sealy, and our family. But that devotion can't come at the cost of me. It is a price that I am unwilling to pay. And a price that I think, in the end, would cost each of us dearly. To be the best parent that I can be I have to be at my best personally. And I can't do that without working.

I have two children now and over 3 years under my belt as a working mom. It is not always easy and there are lots of guilty days. But I've found that it is what works for me. Work provides me with a balance that I don't think I'm capable of achieving otherwise. And being a parent, a mom, I think has also made me better at my job. I have more balance there as well. I can't say that the choices I've made are right for anyone else. But I can say with certainly that working is the only thing that has kept me from losing myself completely to motherhood.