Trust

By Sue

Today during my workout I swam about a half mile. This is my longest distance to date. I started barely able to get across the 25 yard pool and am now comfortably swimming 50s. I even swam a 75 today. As I continued to swim, my arms started to tire. My hips were sinking. I was breathing with every other stroke (as opposed to every 4). I was spent. And the thought crossed my mind. "Trust that you can do this."

I have a mantra in the pool. It is simple - don't die. I say that not because I am seriously scared of dying. There are plenty of lifeguards around to save me if I am in real danger. I say it because I need to remember to do as much as I can. I push myself, like today, but only as far as I feel comfortable going. I can't possibly keep up with the swimmers who can push through 300 yards with no issues. I can't (quite) do butterfly. But I can swim. I can do it. I can make it across the pool a few (or a lot of) times. 

Today I also am contemplating major life decisions. The kind that make you stop and ponder every scenario possible which can then cripple you with enough fear to do nothing at all. And as I was thinking, it came to me again. "Trust."

Trust is hard for me. I am a Capricorn after all. I trust very few people. I like to know exactly what is coming and how to plan for it. Knowing this about myself, it shouldn't surprise me that PJ is tentative in new situations. I remember being in the Caribbean on a family vacation as a child. We were snorkeling and every one was raving about the coral reef off the coast. I was too scared to swim out there. I didn't trust the life vest. My mom took my hand and swam with me. We squeezed hands to point out beautiful fish. Until I let go and swam by myself. 

I remind myself of that day often as I see PJ holding my hand in new places. She needs me until she feels comfortable. She needs me until she doesn't. 

But I also am reminded of that day today. As I dive in, swim, and trust that I can support myself this time. And every time.